Hello my faithful two readers. It's great to have join me again for rantings and ramblings from yours truly. I know seem to jump all over the place with my blog and I guess that is because I have a lot to say about many things that interest me. I like movies, celebrities, men, music, television, travel, and so on. This week I want to focus on music and my endless desire to find close intimate love. Open a bottle of Merlot, pour yourself a glass (or three) and let's begin.
I am the type of guy that can fall in love very easily. I trust people sometimes too quick. I give them my heart because of a gut feeling I have. Most of the time I do not regret it. However, every now and then I do or I don't trust my gut and either give it to the wrong person or don't give it at all and miss the opportunity.
I also suffer from a very small confidence level. I hate rejection and because I can't handle it I end up rejecting myself without giving the other person a chance to accept me. I guess this is defense mechanism, but it really only succeeds in making sure I will be alone and single.
I know a lot of people are like what is wrong with being single. I guess there is nothing wrong with it. I'm just tired of coming home to an empty apartment. I wish someone was here to have dinner together, to lie in bed a watch a scary movie together or just talk. Which leads to me to my first song of the blog?
All By Myself - Celine Dion
I have fallen in love many times. I really only had one relationship that ever flourished into anything of some value. His name was Kenny and I met him Florida. It was the first time in my life that I had ever seen someone and fell in love in a glance. It was very odd for me because I had had crushes on classmates and friends and the occasional tryst, but I had never felt my heart stop as it did when I first met him.
He was this rocker looking guy from Brooklyn. He was a definite bad boy. He had a horrible childhood and parents. He had a horrible misunderstood life with a mean ex-wife, ungrateful kids, prison history, medical issues and recovering drug addict. Everything he was was everything I wasn't. He needed love and tenderness. I thought I could give it to him.
I found out after close to seven years that apparently he didn't want any of that from me. He left me for red headed stripper he met on the Internet. I was devastated. I was embarrassed. I was starting to make a big deal with my family that this was my life partner and he should be welcomed to family events and then he ups and leaves me for Candy Dandy the Stripper. Almost the exact time the next song came out and it was my mantra.
Strong Enough - Cher
After Kenny, I went quite a while without having anyone really too mention. I was in and out of love/lust. Things could have progressed with several men but because of my baggage or their baggage it did not happen. However two men come to mind that got away for different reasons. They were both friends and at one time I knew them when they were single, but they both found partners. I could either become the other person or not. I choose not to do disrespect myself or them by walking or attempting to walk that path.
One was another rocker with long hair, smooth skin and a beautiful smile which I will call Jake. The other was a fun, friendly, masculine guy named Wayne. Both names of course are made up. Wayne was my best friend and Jake was an occasional lover. I wanted more from both of them, but they are either were unable or unwilling to give me the love I so desired.
Even though it hurt, I guess it was best that neither of them gave what I needed, because if they had my life would be different. Would I have continued to the job and career I currently have? Would I be living in Costa Rica and traveling Central America? However, I still think if them fondly which brings me to my next song.
I Hate Myself For Loving You
I've moved to Costa Rica in July of this year. I have been currently on this attempt to change my life. I'm losing weight for health reasons. I'm traveling because I've always wanted to do it. I've changed my outlook at life and seriously have been happier than I ever have been before. I want to share this with someone. I decided to seriously search and look for a partner. My thinking was maybe the men from the U.S. were my problem.
I signed up with six different dating applications and posted my profile. I got a ton of replies at first and I thought I had really hit the mother load. I met a few of them and quickly realized they were no different then the losers I had encountered in the U.S. They were either young and looking for someone to pay their way through life or they were just really odd and into to things I wouldn't have my worst enemy do or they were just interested in sex and nothing more.
I am currently trying to get to know three different guys. Will some of them read this blog? Yes, they probably will. I'm not that concerned because we have never had a discussion about being exclusive and I barely see any of them. They are all younger than I am which is a bonus for me in my forties. It strengthens my confidence and strokes my ego. See gay men and straight men think the same way. We get middle aged and we want someone younger.
Two are very much younger and their names are Andrew and Owen. Andrew is very immature but shares similar interests with me. However, he is very much in the closet and his family is very religious. I feel sorry for him because he has to hide himself and I know how that is and I enjoy being around him because we have fun. The other young one is more mature but shares almost no interests me and loves to push my
buttons. I enjoy going places with him because for the most part he enjoys being a tourist with me. However, oddly enough neither young man shows passion in a relationship with me. It is more like friends. Which leads us to our next song.
Whenever I Call You Friend - Kenny Loggins & Stevie Nicks
The last guy (Jonathan), I recently met and it was almost perfect. He was closer to my age but still younger. We had similar interest and he wanted a relationship. He was also passionate about being with me and getting to know me. We talked over the phone and text several times. We finally met and I fell in love. I tried not to fall in love. I really tried to harness my emotions. However, he was Cancer and I am Scorpio. I had no choice but fall hopelessly in love. I was either like a middle school girl or a lesbian because I was ready to pick out china patterns.
We've chatted since that time, but have not seen each other since. I held off on texting him too early after our first official date, because I didn't want to seem to desperate. It took him a day to respond. I stated I wanted to see him again and have gotten no response. I don't know what happened. Maybe I am reading too much into it. Maybe I am trying to move to fast. Maybe I misread the signals. Maybe he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. The horrible thing about Jonathan is that he is the most passionate made I have met here in Costa Rica. He made me feel wanted, needed, appreciated and desired. Something no one else has accomplished yet. Even though I want it to continue, I must face reality that it probably won't continue with him and if it does, I'm not sure it will be the eventual marriage that I am looking to have. This leads me to my two favorite songs at the moment.
Say Something
Stay With Me - Sam Smith
There's the look into my life and what I am thinking about tonight. Am I destined to be alone with just one night stands in my future? Can I build a life with someone who shows no passion? Do I run them off? Am I too picky? What am I doing wrong? The good thing about being a Scorpio is that we love to analyze ourselves and the people in our life. The bad thing about being a Scorpio is that we tend to over analyze to the point where we stunt our relationships or growth. Oh well, no matter the outcome of my soul searching. I will continue to search for the guy to share all the wonders and adventures that are in my future.
Alright gang until next time. May your bartender be hot and heavy handed when pouring your drink.
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